I still remembers those days...

I still remember those days when I used to have someone beside me, willing to hear my feelings and to share their own with me. I still remember those names.

Nothing of that is true anymore (or was it never true?). I keep looking with despair for a place or a soul with whom I could restart the story, to feel in home, even when I have no home, happy and in company, no matter if all such company is just letters. But as people grows old they also grow busy, or that's what they say. They have studies or work, the duty of getting grades or money or both, they seem to never have time to share with anybody, save scarcely. They are always tired.
The people I know online, almost always connects when they are tired and just want to relax; they don't care (and don't want) an intimate dialogue, nothing that makes them think (or feel), they want evasion. In real life it is even worse, they won't even give a dime about me, they're busy studying, always studying, yes, it's so hard... the strangest thing about this all is that when I listen to their conversations, when we're sitting in groups during the breaks between classes, they freely speak about TV programs, soap operas, music, shops: strange isn't it?, weren't they all the day studying?. Naaah, that's just their excuse to say they don't give a crap about anybody outside of their life... about anybody like me, no matter if I care about them: they won't care about me (until they get in troubles and need me... then, when the problem solves, I am forgotten again).

People who cares about me is also affected by this strange disease called "I'm always tired", I don't know what to think... am I the only bastard in this world who intentionally devotes the largest part of his life to share with others?; no, there must be other unfortunate souls in this world.

Ahh and ironies of life... there is someone who cares so much about me, and what can I give him back?, well, I can barely communicate with him --only through e-mail--, barely share anything with him: play together?, no, he can't connect; talk about interests?, our only common interest is dragons; do anything else?, if you saw how limited our communication is...

...The worst part about this all is that I can't share this smothering feeling with anybody. WHO will understand me, WHO?. If I speak about this with any of my friends, or non-friends, they will most probably take it personal. If I tell them I feel lonely they will think I'm disdaining their friendship; they will not take into account that if I'm sharing that with them it is because I TRUST them enough to tell them what I don't tell to anybody, because I believed they'd understand........

.............being misunderstood is one of the stigmas of my life. That is what happens to someone who refuses to lie, and who believes honesty and truth are better...

Here you have my honesty crap and my truth shit, it serves no purpose.
Neither do lies anyways.

I will go on being what I am, despite anything that happens,
1428 days left...
Soulice Pentalis.

Long time without writting on this journal

There have happened more things than I can name and explain, the loss of many friendships being one of the worst. But losing friends would not be too painful if one could find new ones; however that has not been my case. Perhaps I am approaching the age where people no longer cares about the rest, and got used to live alone, scavenging remains of what someday could be called life. I am surrounded of people affraid of being harmed by external presences, they no longer trust or share, the excuse is that there is no time to do that... there is so many more important things, like, for example, earning money. Sad as it sounds, money is clearly more important than anything else. As people gets old, they become monsters.

Across this half a year my life got some twists to its course, but it is still the same history of the last two years. Lack of a (true) reason to live (to survive is not a valid one), lack of feeling in communion with the others, lack of everthing a life worth of living should have; and lack of money, but one can be poor and happy, but not lone and lost, and happy.

I am no longer a medicine student. Medicine, as it is done in the west, is an abomination. Students joining the career only to earn large amounts of money, to have status, to have luxury at the expense of people's fear of disease. I could not stay in such a greed-riddled, envy-poisoned place, I moved off, despite whatever was my parents oppinion on it. Now I'm heading to be a chemist; this change delayed me 1 year of studies, but I don not care, it is my vocation.

My change of career was most likely the best thing I did on this year, and I am proud of having done it. Now that I just wrote those words down I felt better... it made this past year (2005) worth the pain.

On the light side of things I also finished my tabletop Role Playing Game system, that is something I will feel proud about someday. It took me a brutal amount of work, three months in a row being tormented everyday with the feeling that the game was endless. I finished it about 1 month late, by the middle of December, and the project should have been finished by the the beggining of November. The term to finish it was not set by me, it was set by the Ilustre Municipalidad de Rancagua, I was making that game as part of a municipal project (not something trivial). Anyways, I am done, but I still have to do something else regarding that project, it seems to be an endless duty... but someday I will be free of this, and I hope it worths the pain. Someday I may even translate it to English, who knows, that could solve my money problems.

I think I will leave this entry at this point. Nearly all the other news are bad ones, and now that I wrote this all down, I feel better, and want to feel that way for a couple hours more...

I will write more about what else happened during the last 6 months, soon.

Soulice Pentalis.


PD: the original title for this entry was "Life is sadder than a graveyard", but somehow telling the good part of the past year improved my mood... good thing. Though life keeps being sadder than a graveyard.

Frozen in the ice lies a never heard spirit...

More than a month, so much done, so much undone...

Yes, I was going to change that thing... my way to live. But I gave a step back after someone managed to convince me. "Be more sensitive to other's feelings!", "listen to them, understand them"... yes, I know such advices can go too far, but I tried to not fall on that. Many things happened, and they are hard to enumerate, but all of them were pointing in the same direction: one more chance, share yourself!, put yourself in other's place!.

Results?... -_- I don't know...
What part of the glass do I have to look in this case?, the single water drop in it?, or that large empty part, that's most of the glass?.

My blog, my confident...

*Sigh*
I must insist, I don't want to live by myself, for myself, with myself, in myself...
I wanted to share as much as I could. But then the change of philosophy came (you can read it, two entries below, titled "It is happening..."), and a while after it, another change back. And that change back happened because... (explained in the next parragraph).

A certain "friend" I have, which I already erased from my contact list, had a long talk with me after I talked about my change of philosophy (well, he greeted me, I didn't want to talk, but I ended doing so). I don't know if what he disliked of me was my arrogant attitude, my disappointment of the world, the impression he had that I was somewhat a Nazi or some kind of guy that feels all superior to the rest... I don't know, but he was supposedly giving me good arguments which I should have taken into account, and so did I! (see?, I'm not that deaf!). What were those arguments pointing to?, basically to what I already said above "put yourself in other's places, don't consider yourself better than them (meh, oversensitive people...), love them, share" and blah blah blah...
What I've been doing all this last weeks?, doing so. It worked?, a bit. Did it worth the pain?, I don't know. I like the idea of being empathic and nice...
but...

There's something wrong with people. They... they want affection or attention don't they?, or if they don't, well, what do they want?. Do you know what's the answer?... I'll give you a hint:
NOT EVEN THEY KNOW!!!.

WHAT DO _YOU_ WANT?, CAN AT LEAST YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION?. I DOUBT IT!.

It's terrible, and the feeling is pathetic.
I go around being as kind as I can* , offering what I have to offer. Some dialogue, company, to listen, to talk... to help... but by some strange reason, it seems they don't care at all, not even the ones who claim to need it. I give my trust, so easily, my friendship if it's accepted... but no, they don't want friendship, YOU don't want friendship (DO YOU!!!??), you don't even know what you want (DO YOU?).

*before making a biased pre-image of my 'as kind as I can' behaviour, better contact me and know me by yourself, please.

I don't fear loneliness, I'm doing this because I think it's beautiful to do it. To help without asking anything in change, to give affection, understanding, trust, without putting a wall between you and the rest... but everything seems to point in the same direction: I'm wasting love.

*Sigh*
The worst of all... when I act like a bastard, I get attention!. When I am cruel, they understand me. What do they have in their heads?, Since when should those who harm intentionally be rewarded, and the well-intentioned, kicked away?. THAT'S WHAT EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE ABOUT!.

So, as stupid as it sounds, if I want friends, I should go and be a moron, be jealous be a lier... and they will trust and love me!. Now, if I want to be thrown away and hated, I have to be empathic, friendly, and true... and of course, forbidden to love in this no-sense!. They crave it, but beware, you'll get bitten if you try to please them!.

Ask yourself: what do you want in life?. Ok, let's suppose you mentioned "friends" among those things, or perhaps, "be loved"... If you want to be loved, start by giving a chance to those who love you, to show it. It's that easy, just don't bite me if I ask how may I help... and I'll be happy... and those ones who esteem you will probably be too.

Just that, really, nothing more...

Either that, or you don't know what you're doing...
How could you... if you don't even know what you're feeling...

Soulice Pentalis.

So much to do!! =]

The change is done, to be alone does not bother me anymore :>

And there's so much to do!,
I have an exhaustive tasklist that needs to be done, and after completing it there's even another one behind, one after another. Damn!, I better go to complete projects as fast as I can, so I can do even more!. Wooohoooo!.

Who needs Adventure Role Playing Games when you can live The Real Thing(tm) by yourself!. XD

It's happening...

My heart is decided, it's time to change my way.

Once years ago, in year 2002, I decided I was going to be a social being, I decided to feel a need for others, so I, driven by such need, would become more sensitive to other's suffering, would feel motivated to help them, and in sum, go forward in the way of becoming the 'good person' I always yearned to be.

Now, 3 years later, after more than a thousand days following the way I decided to walk by, I change my route.

With a bittersweet feeling in my heart, I cried my last tears on the ground of my old road, it was time to go...

The way was long, almost as intense as my previous journey, the one where I abbandoned my darkness and depression, went outside my underworld, saw the sun for the first time, and started to change. Tear after tear, growing faith in my Catholic religion, I prayed to God asking to guide me in the right way. I wanted to be... smile; I wanted to be happiness. All my life, my wish, has been to be a good soul, to be hope for the hopeless, smile for the sad ones.

The road was harsh, I changed, fast, fast... it was my battle, I had to improve... it lasted from 2000 to 2002. In 2002 I changed my way; philosophy played a very important role in such change. I left religion, feeling that the dogmas it gave me were a hinder rather than a help to become... a good person.

I left religion, and slowly started to leave everything I was in the past... I was changing again, this time I wasn't depressed anymore (that 3+ years period concluded), now it was my quest for happiness and strength.
I got what I wanted, I had my happiness, I had my strength... but the cost... what I lost, was a deep wound that never burned, until now... I lost my innocence, my old tender values, my ingenuous respect for my so beloved dragons (yes, the symbol, the anything), I lost my faith in humanity, my hope; I prostituted my values, literally. I spat over everything I was before... and now... I miss what I left behind.

Yes, I became the social being I wanted to be. But now that I lost faith in humanity, I feel there's no sense in trying to be a social being anymore. The worse thing of all is... at the beggining, I felt the world deserved to be happy; now I think everyone has what they deserve. If we've left the world come where it is now, if we have left the horror come and live with us, if we created our own hell: so be it, it's ours just deserts.

Somehow, some things I've seen before have touched me... the heroism in sports 2 tennis players of my country (Chile) shown in the Olimpic Games was epic; how they forced all their bodies to the very limit, for their dream, for what was their goal, no mattering pain, exhaustion... how they ran, no stopping, until the end, until their medal of gold... sigh... it touched me. That's something that has always touched me, when one gives all his heart, for the goal of one's life. When one could die for a purpose, or face any suffering... everything, for an ideal.

Now I saw the death of the Pope and the new Pope being elected. It's fascinating how one person can cause so many deep feelings in so much people. How can they give hope...

I'm not a sportsman, neither I'm into religion anymore. But those things have made me reflect and think...

Today, when I decided I was going to stop being a social being, I felt... I'm not doing this because I don't want to know anything of the world anymore, no. I feel that I can give more, being far, than being near; I can give more if I don't spend 3 to 5 hours a day talking to people who sometimes even feels worse after being with me than better; as I'm sarcastic, cruel at times, honest and direct, I tend to hurt sensitive people, and I don't like to do so.

*Sigh*

I cried when I remembered my dreams, my goals, my ingenuity of the past, my faith, my innocence -- I knew I lost them, and I want them back... back...

I knew I still wanted to shine. I still want to be smile, and hope. I want to be happiness...
But for whom?...
*cries while writting*
...for whom...
I lost my faith in humanity, and still feel we don't deserve happiness, but what we already have.

*Sigh* I wish to have empathy, to put myself in other's place, and understand them, heal them... I want it... although a bitter premonition tells me, it's not going to worth the effort.

In the past, I wanted to bring hope to humanity; My life, my whole life, was going to be in the spirit of that dream. I wanted to die knowing I made the world a better place...
...I don't care if I die or not anymore, but I want to live for the one I love. He's the one who makes me feel I must live, I can't die. He has faith in me, he believes in me... the least I can do, is do my best for him.
I have no faith anymore, but I still want to be the hope I never had, the smile I always yearned, the happiness nobody gave me, I still want to be love. I have no reason to do it, but for myself, and the one I love.

This time my journey starts into my lone way. This one is meant for me.
*still cries*
Just yesterday I told my mother the one who wrote the story she loves so much --I wrote it-- was already dead. *Sigh* but he's not that dead... I still can bring himself (myself) to life again.
That child with tender dreams, silly illusions, pure feelings...

What have I done of me!... I feel strong, as I wished to be; I feel able to give love and happiness, as I wished to be. But my heart is a rotten one, I'm not the soul of good feelings I was in the past; I have hated, I have harmed, I have hurted, I am covered in scars... I lost my innocence.

Who knows if there's a way to get it back...
...but I want to be alone now, and go on my road with my best friend --myself.

...I am alone in world this time, I have no faith, utopic dreams; but still my heart is here, hardened by storms, dry of emotions, dead but alive... willing to be smile, happiness and hope, of nobody.

It is time to be, happiness for no one, hope for hope itself, smile for a faceless soul, star for an empty sky, walker of a lonely road... but a happy one, a happy lone soul.

Have happiness, be blessed,
Best wishes,
Pentalis Rottenheart.

PD: darling, if you are reading this lines... check the letter I wrote to you.

Edit: five minutes after posting this... I feel so good... life seems promising. Perhaps... perhaps there's still hope... tal vez encuentre una vez más, fé en la humanidad --y para cuando eso ocurra, quién podría detener a un espíritu inspirado, un alma deseosa de vivir.
Who could stop My will to live!!!.

Ashamed of spanish speakers

Me, a native inhabitant of Chile myself, had the misfortune of bumping to this stupidity:
http://ofdnews.com/comentarios?id=1253_0_1_0_C

It is in spanish, but perhaps with an online translator you can catch the whole essence and ridiculity of such article submitted by a --prepare to laugh-- "Dr. Kaplan": such curious "doctor" has worse spelling than me and an miserable ability to type ideas in a coherent way, that post looks more like a classic chainletter --those which spam your e-mail everyday-- than an "important advice!". Even worse, there's some brainless guys (in the same discussion) which criticize the Wikipedia even further with very, VERY unfounded arguments, clearly showing their ignorance, fear of the unknown, and bleh, the classic stupidity of inhabitants of Spain (that latter comment was more personal than objetive, you know, I'm biased against idiots ;> ). Yes, Spain, they talk like spanish guys (and they don't hesitate to call latin-americans underdeveloped, as if they were so developed and cultured... just look at the quality of their comments); if they were so superior they could have at least put some sense in their words, not do something as pathetic and calling the Wikipedia "Wilkepedia" followed by a large amount of hardly-understood no-sense, don't make me laugh!.

Disclaimer: this is a rant, and IS biased, but I bet you can still agree with me if you go and take a glance at the posting. Even if you are AGAINST the Wikipedia, I guess you can agree with me; I mean, someone with a true and (at least a bit) rational objection against the Wikipedia could do MUCH better than "Dr.Kaplan et al" (doctor... yeah, sure).
I welcome good criticism, I dislike hate-speech presented as objetive critic, and pathetic chainletter-like "very important news!". This comment is, once again I tell, biased, but if you take out the insults of this piece of text, I bet ten bucks you'd still agree with me: they are morons.

Take care, have fun, and be coherent.
Soulice Pentalis.

Post Data: As a little proof of the laughable quality of their "very well fundamented comments":
Quote= "[...] basada en la Licencia Libre de Documentación (GNU) (Creada por ellos mismos en el congreso y estimulada en la ONU) [...]"
Translation:
"[...] It is based on the Free Documentation Licence (GNU) (Created by themselves in the congress and stimulated in the ONU) [...]"
That "themselves" does NOT refer to the GNU project, as he does not mention it at all (except in brackets; in an incorrect way, by the way), and was talking about the Wikipedia in that same sentence. Summing up the idiocy:
It says the GNU FDL was created by the Wikipedia, in the congress, and stimulated in the ONU, three fallacies that are so immensely false, that even if he was actually telling that the GNU project created the licence, the two latter ridiculous affirmations make one wonder where did this guy obtain his information (and what did he smoke!)... where have you seen that Richard Stallman (creator of the GNU FDL) asked the congress to create his licence?, or was stimulated BY THE ONU!?, FOR GOD'S SAKE!.

Convinced?: I agree, he's a moron, no doubt of it. And there's so many of them >_< no wonder why the world is as it is.

Soulice Pentalis

Evidence-Based Study!!

Have you heard of Evidence-Based Medicine?, No?, well, take a glance here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evidence-based_medicine

I just realized what's the source of most of my universitary stress and got an idea of how to resolve it!!. Tadaaa!!, Evidence-based study (tm) !!! XD a new and revolutionary, completely absurd concept!!
That, added up to my new Anti Bad-Habits technology (tm), should ensure I'm going to have a happy year: Both in classes and home!, No more stress!.

How does it work?

Three steps explanation:
1.- No more bad habits: I tend to pay little attention in classes because "this appears in books, I better study this later". But no, not anymore. Learning is built NOW from now and on. Classes will be my "guide" to the contents I'm going to refine THAT VERY SAME day, In order to avoid the "procastinater syndrom" (classic pre-test Stress: that whole week you have to study like mad, which feels like hell).
2.- Why study the same contents of the class the very same day?. Obviously!. Evidence-Based Learning* (tm) says that if you reinforce a knowledge just acquired, you're more likely to remember it. If I reinforce it 4 or 6 hours later, I'm going to keep things in my mind for much longer. Even more if I do a "Saturday's week summary" with everything important from every class. BINGO!, NO MORE PRE-TEST STRESS!, I'm going to feel secure all the year, because knowledge will be always fresh in my mind!, Reinforced in time to keep it there, not dissolved in the smog of Santiago (the city where I study)!.
3.- The feeling of tranquility and satisfaction will provide further motivation to mantain the habit.

Voila!

I MUST DO THIS!, IT IS THE KEY TO MY STABILITY AND ABILITY TO PERFORM OTHER PROJECTS DURING THIS YEAR!!! O_O

Thanks for reading this madness, take care and be happy.
I'm very enthusiasmed to have comed up with this new system XD .

You know, I've been facing the pressure of emotional life, student life, familiar life, "trascendent life" (let's say, personal projects), and so on... and I need a method to balance everything and have a sane and happy life, with everything working well (or damn well, that's my goal)... this... will... hopefully help me. The past year things failed because of my Bad-Habits (incise 1), that should change now that I realize these were bad instead of good habits...

Soulice Pentalis.

*Evidence-Based Learning is just a squeaky name I invented for my new method of studying, nothing really like a 'learning movement', XD .