A personal blog on periodic happenings in my life (with variable importance). Oppinion on other matters, gallery, publications and such, could be found in my website (link into this weblog).

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I still remembers those days...

I still remember those days when I used to have someone beside me, willing to hear my feelings and to share their own with me. I still remember those names.

Nothing of that is true anymore (or was it never true?). I keep looking with despair for a place or a soul with whom I could restart the story, to feel in home, even when I have no home, happy and in company, no matter if all such company is just letters. But as people grows old they also grow busy, or that's what they say. They have studies or work, the duty of getting grades or money or both, they seem to never have time to share with anybody, save scarcely. They are always tired.
The people I know online, almost always connects when they are tired and just want to relax; they don't care (and don't want) an intimate dialogue, nothing that makes them think (or feel), they want evasion. In real life it is even worse, they won't even give a dime about me, they're busy studying, always studying, yes, it's so hard... the strangest thing about this all is that when I listen to their conversations, when we're sitting in groups during the breaks between classes, they freely speak about TV programs, soap operas, music, shops: strange isn't it?, weren't they all the day studying?. Naaah, that's just their excuse to say they don't give a crap about anybody outside of their life... about anybody like me, no matter if I care about them: they won't care about me (until they get in troubles and need me... then, when the problem solves, I am forgotten again).

People who cares about me is also affected by this strange disease called "I'm always tired", I don't know what to think... am I the only bastard in this world who intentionally devotes the largest part of his life to share with others?; no, there must be other unfortunate souls in this world.

Ahh and ironies of life... there is someone who cares so much about me, and what can I give him back?, well, I can barely communicate with him --only through e-mail--, barely share anything with him: play together?, no, he can't connect; talk about interests?, our only common interest is dragons; do anything else?, if you saw how limited our communication is...

...The worst part about this all is that I can't share this smothering feeling with anybody. WHO will understand me, WHO?. If I speak about this with any of my friends, or non-friends, they will most probably take it personal. If I tell them I feel lonely they will think I'm disdaining their friendship; they will not take into account that if I'm sharing that with them it is because I TRUST them enough to tell them what I don't tell to anybody, because I believed they'd understand........

.............being misunderstood is one of the stigmas of my life. That is what happens to someone who refuses to lie, and who believes honesty and truth are better...

Here you have my honesty crap and my truth shit, it serves no purpose.
Neither do lies anyways.

I will go on being what I am, despite anything that happens,
1428 days left...
Soulice Pentalis.


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