A personal blog on periodic happenings in my life (with variable importance). Oppinion on other matters, gallery, publications and such, could be found in my website (link into this weblog).

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Frozen in the ice lies a never heard spirit...

More than a month, so much done, so much undone...

Yes, I was going to change that thing... my way to live. But I gave a step back after someone managed to convince me. "Be more sensitive to other's feelings!", "listen to them, understand them"... yes, I know such advices can go too far, but I tried to not fall on that. Many things happened, and they are hard to enumerate, but all of them were pointing in the same direction: one more chance, share yourself!, put yourself in other's place!.

Results?... -_- I don't know...
What part of the glass do I have to look in this case?, the single water drop in it?, or that large empty part, that's most of the glass?.

My blog, my confident...

I must insist, I don't want to live by myself, for myself, with myself, in myself...
I wanted to share as much as I could. But then the change of philosophy came (you can read it, two entries below, titled "It is happening..."), and a while after it, another change back. And that change back happened because... (explained in the next parragraph).

A certain "friend" I have, which I already erased from my contact list, had a long talk with me after I talked about my change of philosophy (well, he greeted me, I didn't want to talk, but I ended doing so). I don't know if what he disliked of me was my arrogant attitude, my disappointment of the world, the impression he had that I was somewhat a Nazi or some kind of guy that feels all superior to the rest... I don't know, but he was supposedly giving me good arguments which I should have taken into account, and so did I! (see?, I'm not that deaf!). What were those arguments pointing to?, basically to what I already said above "put yourself in other's places, don't consider yourself better than them (meh, oversensitive people...), love them, share" and blah blah blah...
What I've been doing all this last weeks?, doing so. It worked?, a bit. Did it worth the pain?, I don't know. I like the idea of being empathic and nice...

There's something wrong with people. They... they want affection or attention don't they?, or if they don't, well, what do they want?. Do you know what's the answer?... I'll give you a hint:


It's terrible, and the feeling is pathetic.
I go around being as kind as I can* , offering what I have to offer. Some dialogue, company, to listen, to talk... to help... but by some strange reason, it seems they don't care at all, not even the ones who claim to need it. I give my trust, so easily, my friendship if it's accepted... but no, they don't want friendship, YOU don't want friendship (DO YOU!!!??), you don't even know what you want (DO YOU?).

*before making a biased pre-image of my 'as kind as I can' behaviour, better contact me and know me by yourself, please.

I don't fear loneliness, I'm doing this because I think it's beautiful to do it. To help without asking anything in change, to give affection, understanding, trust, without putting a wall between you and the rest... but everything seems to point in the same direction: I'm wasting love.

The worst of all... when I act like a bastard, I get attention!. When I am cruel, they understand me. What do they have in their heads?, Since when should those who harm intentionally be rewarded, and the well-intentioned, kicked away?. THAT'S WHAT EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE ABOUT!.

So, as stupid as it sounds, if I want friends, I should go and be a moron, be jealous be a lier... and they will trust and love me!. Now, if I want to be thrown away and hated, I have to be empathic, friendly, and true... and of course, forbidden to love in this no-sense!. They crave it, but beware, you'll get bitten if you try to please them!.

Ask yourself: what do you want in life?. Ok, let's suppose you mentioned "friends" among those things, or perhaps, "be loved"... If you want to be loved, start by giving a chance to those who love you, to show it. It's that easy, just don't bite me if I ask how may I help... and I'll be happy... and those ones who esteem you will probably be too.

Just that, really, nothing more...

Either that, or you don't know what you're doing...
How could you... if you don't even know what you're feeling...

Soulice Pentalis.


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