A personal blog on periodic happenings in my life (with variable importance). Oppinion on other matters, gallery, publications and such, could be found in my website (link into this weblog).

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's happening...

My heart is decided, it's time to change my way.

Once years ago, in year 2002, I decided I was going to be a social being, I decided to feel a need for others, so I, driven by such need, would become more sensitive to other's suffering, would feel motivated to help them, and in sum, go forward in the way of becoming the 'good person' I always yearned to be.

Now, 3 years later, after more than a thousand days following the way I decided to walk by, I change my route.

With a bittersweet feeling in my heart, I cried my last tears on the ground of my old road, it was time to go...

The way was long, almost as intense as my previous journey, the one where I abbandoned my darkness and depression, went outside my underworld, saw the sun for the first time, and started to change. Tear after tear, growing faith in my Catholic religion, I prayed to God asking to guide me in the right way. I wanted to be... smile; I wanted to be happiness. All my life, my wish, has been to be a good soul, to be hope for the hopeless, smile for the sad ones.

The road was harsh, I changed, fast, fast... it was my battle, I had to improve... it lasted from 2000 to 2002. In 2002 I changed my way; philosophy played a very important role in such change. I left religion, feeling that the dogmas it gave me were a hinder rather than a help to become... a good person.

I left religion, and slowly started to leave everything I was in the past... I was changing again, this time I wasn't depressed anymore (that 3+ years period concluded), now it was my quest for happiness and strength.
I got what I wanted, I had my happiness, I had my strength... but the cost... what I lost, was a deep wound that never burned, until now... I lost my innocence, my old tender values, my ingenuous respect for my so beloved dragons (yes, the symbol, the anything), I lost my faith in humanity, my hope; I prostituted my values, literally. I spat over everything I was before... and now... I miss what I left behind.

Yes, I became the social being I wanted to be. But now that I lost faith in humanity, I feel there's no sense in trying to be a social being anymore. The worse thing of all is... at the beggining, I felt the world deserved to be happy; now I think everyone has what they deserve. If we've left the world come where it is now, if we have left the horror come and live with us, if we created our own hell: so be it, it's ours just deserts.

Somehow, some things I've seen before have touched me... the heroism in sports 2 tennis players of my country (Chile) shown in the Olimpic Games was epic; how they forced all their bodies to the very limit, for their dream, for what was their goal, no mattering pain, exhaustion... how they ran, no stopping, until the end, until their medal of gold... sigh... it touched me. That's something that has always touched me, when one gives all his heart, for the goal of one's life. When one could die for a purpose, or face any suffering... everything, for an ideal.

Now I saw the death of the Pope and the new Pope being elected. It's fascinating how one person can cause so many deep feelings in so much people. How can they give hope...

I'm not a sportsman, neither I'm into religion anymore. But those things have made me reflect and think...

Today, when I decided I was going to stop being a social being, I felt... I'm not doing this because I don't want to know anything of the world anymore, no. I feel that I can give more, being far, than being near; I can give more if I don't spend 3 to 5 hours a day talking to people who sometimes even feels worse after being with me than better; as I'm sarcastic, cruel at times, honest and direct, I tend to hurt sensitive people, and I don't like to do so.


I cried when I remembered my dreams, my goals, my ingenuity of the past, my faith, my innocence -- I knew I lost them, and I want them back... back...

I knew I still wanted to shine. I still want to be smile, and hope. I want to be happiness...
But for whom?...
*cries while writting*
...for whom...
I lost my faith in humanity, and still feel we don't deserve happiness, but what we already have.

*Sigh* I wish to have empathy, to put myself in other's place, and understand them, heal them... I want it... although a bitter premonition tells me, it's not going to worth the effort.

In the past, I wanted to bring hope to humanity; My life, my whole life, was going to be in the spirit of that dream. I wanted to die knowing I made the world a better place...
...I don't care if I die or not anymore, but I want to live for the one I love. He's the one who makes me feel I must live, I can't die. He has faith in me, he believes in me... the least I can do, is do my best for him.
I have no faith anymore, but I still want to be the hope I never had, the smile I always yearned, the happiness nobody gave me, I still want to be love. I have no reason to do it, but for myself, and the one I love.

This time my journey starts into my lone way. This one is meant for me.
*still cries*
Just yesterday I told my mother the one who wrote the story she loves so much --I wrote it-- was already dead. *Sigh* but he's not that dead... I still can bring himself (myself) to life again.
That child with tender dreams, silly illusions, pure feelings...

What have I done of me!... I feel strong, as I wished to be; I feel able to give love and happiness, as I wished to be. But my heart is a rotten one, I'm not the soul of good feelings I was in the past; I have hated, I have harmed, I have hurted, I am covered in scars... I lost my innocence.

Who knows if there's a way to get it back...
...but I want to be alone now, and go on my road with my best friend --myself.

...I am alone in world this time, I have no faith, utopic dreams; but still my heart is here, hardened by storms, dry of emotions, dead but alive... willing to be smile, happiness and hope, of nobody.

It is time to be, happiness for no one, hope for hope itself, smile for a faceless soul, star for an empty sky, walker of a lonely road... but a happy one, a happy lone soul.

Have happiness, be blessed,
Best wishes,
Pentalis Rottenheart.

PD: darling, if you are reading this lines... check the letter I wrote to you.

Edit: five minutes after posting this... I feel so good... life seems promising. Perhaps... perhaps there's still hope... tal vez encuentre una vez más, fé en la humanidad --y para cuando eso ocurra, quién podría detener a un espíritu inspirado, un alma deseosa de vivir.
Who could stop My will to live!!!.


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