I still remembers those days...

I still remember those days when I used to have someone beside me, willing to hear my feelings and to share their own with me. I still remember those names.

Nothing of that is true anymore (or was it never true?). I keep looking with despair for a place or a soul with whom I could restart the story, to feel in home, even when I have no home, happy and in company, no matter if all such company is just letters. But as people grows old they also grow busy, or that's what they say. They have studies or work, the duty of getting grades or money or both, they seem to never have time to share with anybody, save scarcely. They are always tired.
The people I know online, almost always connects when they are tired and just want to relax; they don't care (and don't want) an intimate dialogue, nothing that makes them think (or feel), they want evasion. In real life it is even worse, they won't even give a dime about me, they're busy studying, always studying, yes, it's so hard... the strangest thing about this all is that when I listen to their conversations, when we're sitting in groups during the breaks between classes, they freely speak about TV programs, soap operas, music, shops: strange isn't it?, weren't they all the day studying?. Naaah, that's just their excuse to say they don't give a crap about anybody outside of their life... about anybody like me, no matter if I care about them: they won't care about me (until they get in troubles and need me... then, when the problem solves, I am forgotten again).

People who cares about me is also affected by this strange disease called "I'm always tired", I don't know what to think... am I the only bastard in this world who intentionally devotes the largest part of his life to share with others?; no, there must be other unfortunate souls in this world.

Ahh and ironies of life... there is someone who cares so much about me, and what can I give him back?, well, I can barely communicate with him --only through e-mail--, barely share anything with him: play together?, no, he can't connect; talk about interests?, our only common interest is dragons; do anything else?, if you saw how limited our communication is...

...The worst part about this all is that I can't share this smothering feeling with anybody. WHO will understand me, WHO?. If I speak about this with any of my friends, or non-friends, they will most probably take it personal. If I tell them I feel lonely they will think I'm disdaining their friendship; they will not take into account that if I'm sharing that with them it is because I TRUST them enough to tell them what I don't tell to anybody, because I believed they'd understand........

.............being misunderstood is one of the stigmas of my life. That is what happens to someone who refuses to lie, and who believes honesty and truth are better...

Here you have my honesty crap and my truth shit, it serves no purpose.
Neither do lies anyways.

I will go on being what I am, despite anything that happens,
1428 days left...
Soulice Pentalis.

Long time without writting on this journal

There have happened more things than I can name and explain, the loss of many friendships being one of the worst. But losing friends would not be too painful if one could find new ones; however that has not been my case. Perhaps I am approaching the age where people no longer cares about the rest, and got used to live alone, scavenging remains of what someday could be called life. I am surrounded of people affraid of being harmed by external presences, they no longer trust or share, the excuse is that there is no time to do that... there is so many more important things, like, for example, earning money. Sad as it sounds, money is clearly more important than anything else. As people gets old, they become monsters.

Across this half a year my life got some twists to its course, but it is still the same history of the last two years. Lack of a (true) reason to live (to survive is not a valid one), lack of feeling in communion with the others, lack of everthing a life worth of living should have; and lack of money, but one can be poor and happy, but not lone and lost, and happy.

I am no longer a medicine student. Medicine, as it is done in the west, is an abomination. Students joining the career only to earn large amounts of money, to have status, to have luxury at the expense of people's fear of disease. I could not stay in such a greed-riddled, envy-poisoned place, I moved off, despite whatever was my parents oppinion on it. Now I'm heading to be a chemist; this change delayed me 1 year of studies, but I don not care, it is my vocation.

My change of career was most likely the best thing I did on this year, and I am proud of having done it. Now that I just wrote those words down I felt better... it made this past year (2005) worth the pain.

On the light side of things I also finished my tabletop Role Playing Game system, that is something I will feel proud about someday. It took me a brutal amount of work, three months in a row being tormented everyday with the feeling that the game was endless. I finished it about 1 month late, by the middle of December, and the project should have been finished by the the beggining of November. The term to finish it was not set by me, it was set by the Ilustre Municipalidad de Rancagua, I was making that game as part of a municipal project (not something trivial). Anyways, I am done, but I still have to do something else regarding that project, it seems to be an endless duty... but someday I will be free of this, and I hope it worths the pain. Someday I may even translate it to English, who knows, that could solve my money problems.

I think I will leave this entry at this point. Nearly all the other news are bad ones, and now that I wrote this all down, I feel better, and want to feel that way for a couple hours more...

I will write more about what else happened during the last 6 months, soon.

Soulice Pentalis.


PD: the original title for this entry was "Life is sadder than a graveyard", but somehow telling the good part of the past year improved my mood... good thing. Though life keeps being sadder than a graveyard.