A personal blog on periodic happenings in my life (with variable importance). Oppinion on other matters, gallery, publications and such, could be found in my website (link into this weblog).

Saturday, April 23, 2005

So much to do!! =]

The change is done, to be alone does not bother me anymore :>

And there's so much to do!,
I have an exhaustive tasklist that needs to be done, and after completing it there's even another one behind, one after another. Damn!, I better go to complete projects as fast as I can, so I can do even more!. Wooohoooo!.

Who needs Adventure Role Playing Games when you can live The Real Thing(tm) by yourself!. XD

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's happening...

My heart is decided, it's time to change my way.

Once years ago, in year 2002, I decided I was going to be a social being, I decided to feel a need for others, so I, driven by such need, would become more sensitive to other's suffering, would feel motivated to help them, and in sum, go forward in the way of becoming the 'good person' I always yearned to be.

Now, 3 years later, after more than a thousand days following the way I decided to walk by, I change my route.

With a bittersweet feeling in my heart, I cried my last tears on the ground of my old road, it was time to go...

The way was long, almost as intense as my previous journey, the one where I abbandoned my darkness and depression, went outside my underworld, saw the sun for the first time, and started to change. Tear after tear, growing faith in my Catholic religion, I prayed to God asking to guide me in the right way. I wanted to be... smile; I wanted to be happiness. All my life, my wish, has been to be a good soul, to be hope for the hopeless, smile for the sad ones.

The road was harsh, I changed, fast, fast... it was my battle, I had to improve... it lasted from 2000 to 2002. In 2002 I changed my way; philosophy played a very important role in such change. I left religion, feeling that the dogmas it gave me were a hinder rather than a help to become... a good person.

I left religion, and slowly started to leave everything I was in the past... I was changing again, this time I wasn't depressed anymore (that 3+ years period concluded), now it was my quest for happiness and strength.
I got what I wanted, I had my happiness, I had my strength... but the cost... what I lost, was a deep wound that never burned, until now... I lost my innocence, my old tender values, my ingenuous respect for my so beloved dragons (yes, the symbol, the anything), I lost my faith in humanity, my hope; I prostituted my values, literally. I spat over everything I was before... and now... I miss what I left behind.

Yes, I became the social being I wanted to be. But now that I lost faith in humanity, I feel there's no sense in trying to be a social being anymore. The worse thing of all is... at the beggining, I felt the world deserved to be happy; now I think everyone has what they deserve. If we've left the world come where it is now, if we have left the horror come and live with us, if we created our own hell: so be it, it's ours just deserts.

Somehow, some things I've seen before have touched me... the heroism in sports 2 tennis players of my country (Chile) shown in the Olimpic Games was epic; how they forced all their bodies to the very limit, for their dream, for what was their goal, no mattering pain, exhaustion... how they ran, no stopping, until the end, until their medal of gold... sigh... it touched me. That's something that has always touched me, when one gives all his heart, for the goal of one's life. When one could die for a purpose, or face any suffering... everything, for an ideal.

Now I saw the death of the Pope and the new Pope being elected. It's fascinating how one person can cause so many deep feelings in so much people. How can they give hope...

I'm not a sportsman, neither I'm into religion anymore. But those things have made me reflect and think...

Today, when I decided I was going to stop being a social being, I felt... I'm not doing this because I don't want to know anything of the world anymore, no. I feel that I can give more, being far, than being near; I can give more if I don't spend 3 to 5 hours a day talking to people who sometimes even feels worse after being with me than better; as I'm sarcastic, cruel at times, honest and direct, I tend to hurt sensitive people, and I don't like to do so.


I cried when I remembered my dreams, my goals, my ingenuity of the past, my faith, my innocence -- I knew I lost them, and I want them back... back...

I knew I still wanted to shine. I still want to be smile, and hope. I want to be happiness...
But for whom?...
*cries while writting*
...for whom...
I lost my faith in humanity, and still feel we don't deserve happiness, but what we already have.

*Sigh* I wish to have empathy, to put myself in other's place, and understand them, heal them... I want it... although a bitter premonition tells me, it's not going to worth the effort.

In the past, I wanted to bring hope to humanity; My life, my whole life, was going to be in the spirit of that dream. I wanted to die knowing I made the world a better place...
...I don't care if I die or not anymore, but I want to live for the one I love. He's the one who makes me feel I must live, I can't die. He has faith in me, he believes in me... the least I can do, is do my best for him.
I have no faith anymore, but I still want to be the hope I never had, the smile I always yearned, the happiness nobody gave me, I still want to be love. I have no reason to do it, but for myself, and the one I love.

This time my journey starts into my lone way. This one is meant for me.
*still cries*
Just yesterday I told my mother the one who wrote the story she loves so much --I wrote it-- was already dead. *Sigh* but he's not that dead... I still can bring himself (myself) to life again.
That child with tender dreams, silly illusions, pure feelings...

What have I done of me!... I feel strong, as I wished to be; I feel able to give love and happiness, as I wished to be. But my heart is a rotten one, I'm not the soul of good feelings I was in the past; I have hated, I have harmed, I have hurted, I am covered in scars... I lost my innocence.

Who knows if there's a way to get it back...
...but I want to be alone now, and go on my road with my best friend --myself.

...I am alone in world this time, I have no faith, utopic dreams; but still my heart is here, hardened by storms, dry of emotions, dead but alive... willing to be smile, happiness and hope, of nobody.

It is time to be, happiness for no one, hope for hope itself, smile for a faceless soul, star for an empty sky, walker of a lonely road... but a happy one, a happy lone soul.

Have happiness, be blessed,
Best wishes,
Pentalis Rottenheart.

PD: darling, if you are reading this lines... check the letter I wrote to you.

Edit: five minutes after posting this... I feel so good... life seems promising. Perhaps... perhaps there's still hope... tal vez encuentre una vez más, fé en la humanidad --y para cuando eso ocurra, quién podría detener a un espíritu inspirado, un alma deseosa de vivir.
Who could stop My will to live!!!.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Ashamed of spanish speakers

Me, a native inhabitant of Chile myself, had the misfortune of bumping to this stupidity:

It is in spanish, but perhaps with an online translator you can catch the whole essence and ridiculity of such article submitted by a --prepare to laugh-- "Dr. Kaplan": such curious "doctor" has worse spelling than me and an miserable ability to type ideas in a coherent way, that post looks more like a classic chainletter --those which spam your e-mail everyday-- than an "important advice!". Even worse, there's some brainless guys (in the same discussion) which criticize the Wikipedia even further with very, VERY unfounded arguments, clearly showing their ignorance, fear of the unknown, and bleh, the classic stupidity of inhabitants of Spain (that latter comment was more personal than objetive, you know, I'm biased against idiots ;> ). Yes, Spain, they talk like spanish guys (and they don't hesitate to call latin-americans underdeveloped, as if they were so developed and cultured... just look at the quality of their comments); if they were so superior they could have at least put some sense in their words, not do something as pathetic and calling the Wikipedia "Wilkepedia" followed by a large amount of hardly-understood no-sense, don't make me laugh!.

this is a rant, and IS biased, but I bet you can still agree with me if you go and take a glance at the posting. Even if you are AGAINST the Wikipedia, I guess you can agree with me; I mean, someone with a true and (at least a bit) rational objection against the Wikipedia could do MUCH better than "Dr.Kaplan et al" (doctor... yeah, sure).
I welcome good criticism, I dislike hate-speech presented as objetive critic, and pathetic chainletter-like "very important news!". This comment is, once again I tell, biased, but if you take out the insults of this piece of text, I bet ten bucks you'd still agree with me: they are morons.

Take care, have fun, and be coherent.
Soulice Pentalis.

Post Data: As a little proof of the laughable quality of their "very well fundamented comments":
Quote= "[...] basada en la Licencia Libre de Documentación (GNU) (Creada por ellos mismos en el congreso y estimulada en la ONU) [...]"
"[...] It is based on the Free Documentation Licence (GNU) (Created by themselves in the congress and stimulated in the ONU) [...]"
That "themselves" does NOT refer to the GNU project, as he does not mention it at all (except in brackets; in an incorrect way, by the way), and was talking about the Wikipedia in that same sentence. Summing up the idiocy:
It says the GNU FDL was created by the Wikipedia, in the congress, and stimulated in the ONU, three fallacies that are so immensely false, that even if he was actually telling that the GNU project created the licence, the two latter ridiculous affirmations make one wonder where did this guy obtain his information (and what did he smoke!)... where have you seen that Richard Stallman (creator of the GNU FDL) asked the congress to create his licence?, or was stimulated BY THE ONU!?, FOR GOD'S SAKE!.

Convinced?: I agree, he's a moron, no doubt of it. And there's so many of them >_< no wonder why the world is as it is.

Soulice Pentalis

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Evidence-Based Study!!

Have you heard of Evidence-Based Medicine?, No?, well, take a glance here

I just realized what's the source of most of my universitary stress and got an idea of how to resolve it!!. Tadaaa!!, Evidence-based study (tm) !!! XD a new and revolutionary, completely absurd concept!!
That, added up to my new Anti Bad-Habits technology (tm), should ensure I'm going to have a happy year: Both in classes and home!, No more stress!.

How does it work?

Three steps explanation:
1.- No more bad habits: I tend to pay little attention in classes because "this appears in books, I better study this later". But no, not anymore. Learning is built NOW from now and on. Classes will be my "guide" to the contents I'm going to refine THAT VERY SAME day, In order to avoid the "procastinater syndrom" (classic pre-test Stress: that whole week you have to study like mad, which feels like hell).
2.- Why study the same contents of the class the very same day?. Obviously!. Evidence-Based Learning* (tm) says that if you reinforce a knowledge just acquired, you're more likely to remember it. If I reinforce it 4 or 6 hours later, I'm going to keep things in my mind for much longer. Even more if I do a "Saturday's week summary" with everything important from every class. BINGO!, NO MORE PRE-TEST STRESS!, I'm going to feel secure all the year, because knowledge will be always fresh in my mind!, Reinforced in time to keep it there, not dissolved in the smog of Santiago (the city where I study)!.
3.- The feeling of tranquility and satisfaction will provide further motivation to mantain the habit.



Thanks for reading this madness, take care and be happy.
I'm very enthusiasmed to have comed up with this new system XD .

You know, I've been facing the pressure of emotional life, student life, familiar life, "trascendent life" (let's say, personal projects), and so on... and I need a method to balance everything and have a sane and happy life, with everything working well (or damn well, that's my goal)... this... will... hopefully help me. The past year things failed because of my Bad-Habits (incise 1), that should change now that I realize these were bad instead of good habits...

Soulice Pentalis.

*Evidence-Based Learning is just a squeaky name I invented for my new method of studying, nothing really like a 'learning movement', XD .

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Studying time X_X

Big test on saturday, molecular medicine...

I'll have to try studying 'selectively' (learn the most important parts, forget about the rest, because there's no time). I hope to never have to do this again for any test.
I have to read like 300 pages of a book (damn, so much)... wish me luck X_X

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I Finally Exist!

Finally, I have a blog.
It has been years since I'm around the net, but just now I chose to stop being a lurger/ghost, and have a definitive place on the net. Those include my main site: (must be updated, soon, but well, it's a decent start).
and gallery (must be updated today or tomorrow)

For those who already know me, there's news!.
After weeks of feeling unmotivated, sometimes frustrated, overall discouraged, I got what I wanted: a reason, a goal, and that feeling of being overstuffed with enthusiasm, ¡When you feel you must yell (and so do I), run (done), and go to conquer the world!!! (I'm working on that XD ).
After being heavily idle during my holidays (all wasted playing, but bleh, I don't regret), I'm now heavily busy, but happy and willing to go without end!.

Mmhhh... I must go on drawing... if I could... just... put my hands on that time I threw off the past month XD *giggles*

That's everything for now, I'm happy ^..^

Soulice Pentalis.